Feline Science

Feline Science

**by Gary Horowitz, New York, NY**

Cats in Physics

1 – Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 – Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 – Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.


4 – Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.


5 – Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.


6 – Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.


7 – Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her/his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.


8 – Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until she/he gets good and ready to stop.


9 – Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.


10 – Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.


11 – Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.


12 – First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.


13 – Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.


14 – Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.


15 – Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.


16 – Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.


17 – Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.


18 – Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.


19 – Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.


20 – Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.


21 – Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible.


22 – Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.


23 – Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.


24 – Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.


25 – Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

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